Category: Rookie Manager’s Journal

RMJ 112 June 6

FRIDAY, JUNE 6 ● San Diego, vs Padres

Dave Labossiere

Dave and I picked up where we had left off, blading the morning away. I got a car so I could taxi the coaches to the ballpark. We leave way too early to consider taking the team bus, and a taxi here runs $25. I paid homage to Dyonisis at the Cuban Cigar Factory and the Wine Bank. I purchased Hawaiian shirts for Bill and Mac.

We left for the park at 2 p.m. and arrived there at 2:15. I had plenty of time to get my uniform on; we didn’t take the field until 5:15.

I used to think it was a glamorous life to sit in the locker room, playing cards with my underwear on. But that was 25 years ago. Now I wonder what to do. I’ve lost interest in playing cards, and my pregame duties, such as making out the lineup card, only take a few minutes.

I suppose I could expand the process to include what guys have done on turf vs on grass, in the daylight vs at night, at home vs on the road — but why bother? The guys who play every day are going to play anyway. They are our best players. The guys who don’t play every day haven’t been up enough to generate any meaningful statistics. The samples are just too small. 

Team Batting
Rk Age G PA AB R H 2B 3B HR RBI
1 28 130 478 425 45 113 25 1 4 44
2 29 162 717 566 109 162 40 2 43 135
3 31 162 744 619 146 191 37 8 22 81
4 30 97 275 241 30 60 14 4 4 30
5 31 96 339 301 37 77 24 1 8 43
6 29 152 631 550 78 142 31 2 10 68
7 29 63 216 192 34 53 11 2 4 17
8 28 129 547 493 67 136 29 3 15 71

 

I look at individual matchups: our hitters against their starting pitcher. I look at their pitcher vs left- and right-handed hitters. I consider whether he is a fly-ball or ground-ball pitcher. Whether we can steal on him. Then I think about our pitcher. If he is a fly-ball pitcher, I want my best defensive outfield. If he is a sinker/slider guy, I want to support him with a good defensive infield.

Some of our pitchers prefer one catcher to another. I felt this way at times when I was pitching, and I believe that the pitcher is the most important player on the field, so I take this into account as well. Still, it doesn’t take more than half an hour to make out a lineup.

           

Tonight, I was none too confident. We only had two or three guys who had hit well against Joey Hamilton. The running game was a possibility, but among the few guys we have who can steal, none have hit Hamilton — or anyone else, lately.

One thing about it: he is a ground-ball pitcher, and I felt pretty good about Thomas Howard and Luis González. I also felt good about Mike Hampton, who pitched a marvelous game against the Padres but did not win in his last start. I feel like he is about to turn the corner.

Still, and all, I did not feel like we would be the favorite in this game. This didn’t bother me much, as I have learned not to try to predict baseball games. As much as I know, I would never risk any of my dollars on the muscle.

 

The game started out well for us. Bagwell singled with two outs, stole second, then scored on a single by Luis González. I couldn’t believe Hamilton threw Gonzo a fastball with a 3-1 count and first base open, with Ray Montgomery on deck.

In the second inning, we had runners on second and third when Hamilton hit Biggio in the elbow with a 94 MPH fastball.  Sean Berry was nearby on the bench. He wondered out loud if the pitch was intentional, because of a needlessly hard slide that Bidge made into Archi Cianfrocco last time we were here. With a base open, it did seem possible. But then, Hamilton had several shots at Bidge on the last homestand.

Either way, we got all the retribution I was looking for when Tank Howard followed with a single to give us a 3-0 lead. We scored two more in the third, and Mike Hampton was pitching like a master, using sinkers and riders, curves, sliders, and changeups in baffling sequences.

We scored two more in the fourth, and Hampton shut them down again, striking out Cianfrocco with a 3-2 changeup to end the inning. The way he was pitching, it looked like we would waltz to victory.

We failed to score for the first time in the fifth, and the Padres erupted. Hampton got one out quickly. He never got another, though the was close on five occasions. Five times he had two strikes on a hitter, made a bad pitch, and paid a price. In all, they got six consecutive hits. Caminiti delivered the knockout punch: a three-run homer on a 1-2 pitch. José Lima came in and got the last two outs.

It never seems easy these days, and this one would get harder by the inning.

           

In the top of the sixth, Bagwell started what would be one of the greatest one-man shows I have ever seen, by hitting a solo homer to give us a little cushion. We were back on the hot seat almost immediately because with two outs, Lima completely forgot about the best base-stealer in history, Rickey Henderson.

José had two strikes on Tony Gwynn. I guess he was focusing on getting the out, but in that situation, he has to make the runner stop. Instead, Henderson stole second without a throw. Naturally, Gwynn singled him home.

Lima ran into more trouble in the seventh; Blas Minor came in and got the last out on pinch-hitter Wally Joyner. I thought about double-switching when I made the move, but my bench is pretty thin these days. The only player available who has been hitting at all is Ausmus. I could have made a good batting-order move to keep Minor in there. But I really wanted Russ Springer for the eighth inning, anyway.  

Ken Ramos pinch-hit for Minor and made an out. I sure hope I can get him a hit before he gets sent down. The clock is ticking on him now, as Derek Bell is starting his rehab assignment in New Orleans.

We didn’t score in the eighth. They mounted another rally. Quilvio Veras has lost his starting role at second base because of weak hitting, but against us he has been one tough out. He worked the count 3-2 and then fouled off seven pitches before drawing a walk.

Henderson got a broken-bat hit, bringing Gwynn to the plate. The count went full, and with the runners breaking, Tony hit a topspin liner to the right of Bagwell. Bagwell made a great pickup, but only had one play: the out at first.

Now it was second-and-third, with only one out, and Finley was the hitter.  Ordinarily, I would leave Springer in to face the next batter, but Finley is such a good fastball hitter, I went with Mike Magnante, a screwballing lefty.

When I got to the mound, the infielders came in and asked how I wanted them to play.

I said, “How do you want to play?” 

Biggio said, “play in. Put the pressure on him.”

I said, “Do it.”

When I got back to the dugout, Bill said, “We’ve got to move the infielders back.” I said, “They want to play in.”

“Well, I know, but we can’t let them decide. The winning run is on second base.”

“It’s a tough call,” Cubby said. “They will be running on contact. Henderson will be sure to score on a hit. But if we let them tie it, it may be tough to stop them.”

That’s the way I felt. With the momentum building against us, I thought they would win for sure if we let them tie it. We kept the infield in, and Finley hit a sizzling liner to the right of Bagwell. Bagwell dove and caught the ball, two feet above the ground and parallel to it.  We walked Caminiti, and Magnante struck out Carlos Hernandez.

It was another Houdini escape. Then came the ninth.

 

With Billy Wagner on to pitch, and the end of the lineup due, it should have been easy. Billy was throwing 95-98 MPH as usual, but the Padres had beaten him in Houston, and they were not intimidated.

The first batter, 6’5” Archi Cianfrocco, drew a walk on four pitches. Chris Gomez singled to right. I figured we might get a force with the wheel play, but pinch-hitter Trey Beamon fouled the ball off. I didn’t want him slashing with infielders moving, so we went back to the regular defense. He bunted foul again, and then fair in front of the mound. Wagner tried to catch it in the air but could not, and he peeled away to let Bagwell field it. Jeff surprised everyone by throwing to second for the force play. I don’t think I have ever seen this done impromptu.

There is a bunt play where you charge and go for the double play second-to-first, but we do not use this risky play. Bagwell did it on his own, and it was brilliant because it gave us the chance to escape with a double play.

That’s exactly what we did, but not in the normal manner.

Quilvio Veras hit a smash to Bagwell. Jeff was in close, and he knocked it down but did not catch it. Instead, he picked it up and stepped on the bag. Now Veras was out and Gomez, who was next to Bagwell, took off for second. Bagwell started to chase, but immediately realized that Cianfrocco was heading for home.  Bagwell’s throw to the plate was perfect. We executed the rundown perfectly and pulled the win — like a rabbit — out of a hat.

RMJ 111 June 5

 

THURSDAY, JUNE 5 Cincinnati, vs Reds

There ought to be a law against night games at 7:30, followed by day games at 12:30. We finished at 10:30 last night. Last time I looked at the clock beside the bed, it was 3:15. I may have dozed for a few minutes, as I had been laying there since 1:30. I knew I wasn’t sleepy when I lay down, but what are you going to do when you have to have your bags packed and in the lobby at 9? Who are the people who make these schedules?

I guess the owners are beginning to favor the 12:30 time, because of the business crowd. So start the game the night before at 7:00.

One thing about it: you’re finished before you know it. It’s almost like a split doubleheader.

 

Shane had a tough time with it, too, even though he is generally an early-to-bed, early-to-rise guy. He just couldn’t get the outside corner pitch from Steve Rippley. Rippley was not kind to Cincinnati starter Pete Schourek, either.

Steve Rippley

I talked to Jim Deshaies after the game, and he said it was not a good day to be on the mound: “I found myself trying to figure out how I could pitch with Rippley’s strike zone, and I never came up with any good ideas.”

The amazing thing is that there weren’t many walks, and the final score was only 6-5.

Biggio led off the game with a home run for us. Too bad he didn’t hit it later, when he lined out with the bases loaded to end a rally.

Rallies have taken on new meaning for us the last few weeks. They are becoming striptease dances. We tantalize our fans by taking little bits and pieces from the opposing pitcher. Just when it seems we will strip him clean, the music stops, and the lights go out.  We seldom score more than two runs in an inning, though it seems we have numerous chances to bring down the house.

At least Shane was throwing better today. His velocity was back to normal, and he had a good split-finger pitch. He still gave up four runs in five innings.

James Mouton

Ramón Garcia gave up the last two runs, and the second one beat us. Actually, James Mouton gave up the last run. He overthrew the cutoff man, allowing a runner to move up to second. That runner scored on a single, and the next hitter went out.

Making matters worse, Mouton had a chance to tie the game the next inning with a runner on third and only one out. He swung at the first pitch and hit a weak foul pop-up to the first-baseman.

It is becoming more and more difficult to play Mouton. He is tentative about stealing, and that is his primary asset at this point. His defense has been average until lately, when he has gone for the “hero throws,” allowing trail runners to move up.

Ray Montgomery got two more hits today. When Derek Bell comes back, Ken Ramos will likely go down. But what if Chucky Carr comes up? It could be Mouton. I would hate to see this, because he is a hard worker and a good, solid family man. But our bottom line is wins. When you lose 6-5, there are usually some plays that could have reversed the score. 

Fans like wins more than they like family men.

           

When we arrived in San Diego, it was still daylight. Dave Labossiere and I went Rollerblading along the waterfront. I was proud of him; he is usually conservative when we skate. And since I skated him into some cobblestones, where he fell and broke his wrist two years ago, I thought he would demur. But he loves to skate, and he couldn’t resist.

We — the ballclub — need to be a little more reckless. Maybe I’ll have Dave talk to James Mouton. You never know.

RMJ 110 June 4

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 4 ● at Cincinnati, vs Reds

I left my shaving kit in Houston. This wouldn’t be such a big deal if I didn’t have pills in it that I have to take every day. Two are for the heart problem I had last year. I think I was supposed to take them for a year, and the year is up, but I haven’t called the doctor about it; we have hardly been in town long enough to go see him.

I’m not real worried about it, because it was a freak thing: pericarditis, or inflammation of the sac surrounding the heart. They got rid of the inflammation and never found a reason for its occurrence. Said it must have been a virus. At any rate, I was given the OK to resume full workouts, and I have not had any more symptoms.

The other medicine is for depression. Actually, the symptom I get is anxiety attacks, which I certainly cannot afford in this job.

It started in the spring of 1977, my last year as a player. The medicine knocked it out right away. When I got myself settled into a post-playing routine, I stopped taking the medicine, and I started getting dizzy spells, so I started taking the medicine again. A few years later, I tried again. Same thing.

But last summer, when I was hospitalized with the pericarditis, I stopped the medicine again, with no dizziness. I thought I was through with the problem until one night in San Diego about a month later. Right at the end of the game, I had an attack in the broadcasting booth.

I got through the end of the game, but then my heart started racing and my blood pressure went up. I knew what it was, but I was afraid to get on a bus and a plane and fly three hours in that condition. They sent me to the emergency room, and after an hour or so I was all right.  When I got back to Houston, I went back on the medicine. Everything has been fine since. But I don’t want to miss my daily dose anymore.

I don’t really think a day or two would make any difference, but I don’t want to test it. I called Judy to FedEx the shaving kit, and it should be here in the morning.

 

They had a book fair at Fountain Square, across from our hotel. This is my weakness: I buy way more books than I can ever read.

Mostly, I like novels. Classics, modern and historical. No pulp fiction, no mysteries. Just good books by good writers.

I am just about finished with The Shipping News. It has been mildly disappointing. I find the protagonist to be almost the same guy I remember from A Confederacy of Dunces. One big difference: The Dunce was in New Orleans and this guy Quoyle is in Newfoundland.

I have been to New Orleans, and I have not visited Newfoundland. I presume, however, that these two places could only have been put on this planet by a quixotic God. You don’t need poetic license when you set your story in these locales.

Oddly enough, I bought no books here. There was mostly popular stuff: best-sellers, mysteries, science fiction. I would probably like these books too, and that’s why I’m afraid to try them.

I’ve got Miami, a Beat Generation book by Joan Didion, with me on this trip. I’m not sure I will like it, but it’s a short read. I’m putting off Ancient Evenings and The Mask of Apollo, hoping to find something on the light side.

I could go to Bruce Chatwin’s On the Black Hill, but his stuff is heavy with philosophy. I would prefer a new Kinsella, or maybe the last book of Cormac McCarthy’s Border Trilogy, but they aren’t out yet. I may have to read 92 in the Shade in paperback if I can’t find it in hardback soon.

 

I couldn’t find the right book today, but I found something far more precious: a win on the road. After two good early road trips, we have hit the skids. Need to get that confidence back, and with rookie Chris Holt coming off two bashings, I was concerned. The last time we faced Dave Burba here, he pitched a one-hit shutout.

That possibility ended in the top of the first, when Thomas Howard hit a home run. In the bottom of the inning, Deion Sanders made Holt throw eight pitches and then singled to right. I thought about pitching out on the first pitch, but I didn’t.

Deion Sanders

Good thing: Sanders ran, and Ausmus threw him out. When you throw this guy out without a pitchout, it discourages all thoughts of larceny. 

Ausmus has been such a boon to our pitching staff! The way he throws, we don’t have to pitch out much. We can dare most runners to steal. Sure, they make it half the time. But that’s not a good-enough rate to justify the risk.

Most teams don’t run much against us, which allows our pitchers to concentrate on getting hitters out.

Chris worked a rapid-fire game and gave up only a solo home run in seven innings. We got enough runs to win in the game in the third when the Reds elected to pitch to Bagwell with runners on second and third and two outs.

Give Bagwell an assist from González; Luis has been hot lately. I know Ray Knight was aware of this. If he was not hitting so well, Ray would have walked Bagwell for sure. Instead, he sent pitching coach Don Gullett out to talk to Burba.

This is something I would not do. I have a sign for my catchers to pitch around a hitter. Our pitchers are instructed how to do this.

Baseball, it has been said, is a metaphor of life. If this is true, this journal may be stranger than fiction in the end.

When I was pitching, I didn’t want the pitching coach or the manager bothering me. If I felt good, I wanted to stay in rhythm. Can you imagine how Ray would feel if the hitting coach came out while he was hitting, and had a conference with him to tell him what to do? It doesn’t make any sense.

I’m not saying our pitchers will always pitch around hitters successfully, but I believe they will do better if they just get a sign from the catcher and then work the hitter on their own.

Anyway, Bagwell hit a double and we went up 3-0. It was 5-1 when we took out Holt. José Lima was shaky. He gave up a home run and a single in the ninth, and we had to get the last out with Wagner. I hope Billy will be available tomorrow, but he may not.

 

Well, at least we got the first one. That makes it a whole lot easier. I might not write it that way if I were doing a novel. But this is real life.

Baseball, it has been said, is a metaphor of life. If this is true, this journal may be stranger than fiction in the end. 

RMJ 109 June 3

TUESDAY, JUNE 3 ● Houston, vs Dodgers

Short night for the weary. Home at 11:30. Packed by 12:15. Asleep by 1:30. Cubby arrived at 9 a.m. Whomever made this schedule has surely never traveled the baseball circuit. The computer may tell them it’s possible, but anyone who knows would tell them it’s beyond difficult.

 

Darryl Kile finished second in the May Player of the Month voting. He was 5-0 with a 1.20 ERA. I felt pretty good about his chances to beat Pedro Astacio. 

D.K. didn’t have great command. In fact, home plate umpire Terry Tata didn’t call one curve ball a strike in the seven-plus innings Darryl worked. Most of the pitches were, indeed, balls. But I have to believe some were in the strike zone.

This makes two games in a row where I feel we have gotten the short end of Tata’s stick. Do I think he’s sticking it to us? Hell, no. He’s not out to get us, any more than Jim Quick is. It just seems that way at times.

We might be wrong, anyway. Tata certainly has a better vantage point than we do. Still, sometimes it just looks like their pitcher is getting strike calls on borderline pitches, and our pitcher is not. Luckily, D.K. is so confident that he pitched a great game anyway.

 

Pitching IP H R ER BB SO HR ERA
Darryl Kile 7 7 3 3 5 5 0 2.27
Blas Minor, BS (1) 0.2 0 0 0 1 1 0 0.00
Russ Springer 1.1 2 0 0 0 2 0 2.03
Mike Magnante, W (1-0) 1 1 0 0 0 1 0 0.00
Team Totals 10 10 3 3 6 9 0 2.70
The win got away from him in the eighth inning when our new pitcher, Blas Minor, came in with men on second and third and no outs and a 3-2 lead. He got a strikeout and a groundout that tied the game. Russ Springer came in and got the last out, but we failed to score in the bottom of the eighth.

Springer lucked-out in the ninth. With one out and a 1-2 count, Nelson Liriano broke from first, and Mike Piazza lined a shot into the right field corner. Liriano should have scored for sure, but he didn’t look back to pick up the ball off the bat. As he approached second, Biggio ran to the bag and hollered for the ball. Liriano slid in, and by the time he realized what had happened, he had to stop at third. He would have scored from first if he had not been running.

As it turned out, he did not score. The Dodgers are struggling worse than we are.

It was another blow to them — and a lesson, I hope, for Biggio. He insists that he cannot run as fast to second on a steal if he looks back to see the pitch go through the hitting zone. The coaching staff disagrees. How much time could you lose with a brief glance back, compared to the information you can gain if you look?

Earlier in the series, Brett Butler stole on a wild pitch. If he had looked back, he could have continued to third. Instead, he had to stop at second.

After the game, I went up to Bidge and said, “Great decoy. See what happens when you don’t look back to pick up the ball?” He smiled. I hope it made an impression, but I doubt it. His view of the game is about as flexible as the Rock of Gibraltar.

Mike Magnante

Mike Magnante, our other new pitcher, got them out in the tenth. Then with two out in the bottom of the inning, as we came close to the end of our pitching resources, Jeff Bagwell hit a home run to win the game. What a feeling! As he crossed home plate, teammates were beating him about the head like a World Series hero.

           

On the airplane to Cincinnati, I asked Gonzo if he had packed the monkey. “No,” he said. “But we have the tape.”

I don’t know what the tape is, but if we don’t win here, I’m calling Federal Express. Not that I’m superstitious, or anything like that.

RMJ 108 June 2

MONDAY, JUNE 2 ● Houston, vs Dodgers

My mother is going to the hospital for the installation of a pacemaker today. What a trouper! Rick suggested that she move her appointment back, but she would have none of it. Her heartbeat has been slow — especially in the morning. She has had this appointment since before Dad died. Rick speculated that it may have been a factor in his stroke: “He may have thought he was losing her, and couldn’t stand the prospect of living alone. You know how he worried.”

Ironically, I had been thinking that my managing might have been a factor, what with all the close games. I was thinking that it was a mistake to get him the satellite dish. He was nervous enough about our games when I was announcing.

Anyway, Mom is not one to put things off. Rick tells me that whenever she isn’t crying, she is going through books and records, making appointments with brokers, bankers, and accountants — that she is trying to get on with her life.

“The great thing is that Dad left everything in perfect order,” he said. “Everywhere she looks, she finds more money. And the books are all in order. No surprise, with Dad.”

I speculated that it would not be so simple for Judy and Susan when Rick and I kick off. He laughed, but then he mentioned that it would probably be easier for them than us, because they keep the records.

 

I gave Vern a call, and he said that he didn’t mind sending Hudek out if he had options. He also believes John is close to getting the feel back, and he doesn’t want to lose him on a waiver claim. When I talked to Gerry, he assured me that this wouldn’t happen. I guess I’ve got a tough job ahead of me tonight.

NL Central Division 
Tm W L W-L% GB
PIT 27 27 .500 —
HOU 26 29 .473 1.5
STL 24 29 .453 2.5
CHC 22 32 .407 5.0
CIN 20 35 .364 7.5

Half-an-hour later, at about noon, Gerry called back and said that Drayton wanted to meet with us at two o’clock. “He’s not happy,” Gerry said. “We have to understand that he’s losing a lot of money, and be sensitive to that.”

“But it’s just June,” I said. “You can’t win or lose a pennant in April and May. The Cardinals were lousy in April and May last year, and they almost made it to the World Series.”

“I know that, and you know that. But he doesn’t,” Gerry said.  “He just knows that we keep finishing second, and he keeps losing more money.”

Before I went to the park, I looked up the record. We are 26-29. Last year, after 55 games, the Cardinals were 26-29. The problem is, you can win the pennant in August and September, but you can’t recover the fan support you would have had all along the way. In the money end of the business, April and May are important.

           

The meeting with Drayton went pretty well. He was disturbed about attendance. He is fearful that his losses will mount. He has already coughed up $65 million. His projection for this year was 11 million. But what if we keep losing?

He answered this question himself:

“This is not for public consumption, but I can’t tolerate this past the end of June. If we aren’t winning, we’ll have to start cutting back on salaries.” He presented us with a lot of numbers, including the records of some other teams with payrolls that are similar to ours. Most of the teams had better records, including the Pirates and Expos, who spend only about half as much as we do on players.

Gerry pointed out that these teams may sink, and others fall as the season progresses.

“I’m not saying that the Pirates or the Tigers won’t win their divisions, but it is highly unlikely. There are teams that are not on this list that spend more money than we do, and have a worse record.”

Drayton came back to the attendance-and-revenue side. I think he understands that we have plenty of time to regroup, and we have a decent chance to win. But he just doesn’t have time to wait. The series with the Padres certainly didn’t help his confidence. 

Drayton has a lot of pet words and phrases. Accountability is one. Be a champion is another. He calls for bold and innovative leadership — for doing the unconventional, taking chances. This philosophy got me the manager’s job.

Drayton preaches morals, ethics, and strong Christian values. And he practices what he preaches. He is a fine gentleman. But he measures his own success in dollars and cents, like any self-respecting businessman.

I thought it was a curious choice of words, however, when he said that losing this kind of money was “immoral.”

Gerry felt the urge to end on a positive note. He brought up Chucky Carr. “Didn’t you say he had an unstable personality?” Drayton asked.

“Yes, I did,” Gerry said. “And there is some risk here. But I talked to him at length, and he said the right things. He knows this might be his last chance. I’m just hoping he means it. This guy has world-class speed, Drayton, and he’s got great instincts in the outfield. He just might provide a spark for this team. His speed in the outfield and on the bases is exciting. He could be a fan favorite.”

“When do you think he will be ready?” Drayton asked.

“Well, he went 2-for-5 last night in New Orleans. If all goes well, he could be with us in four or five days.”     

My heart sank when I heard these words.

Maybe it’s just because I think we are good enough to get going again on our own. Maybe it’s the fear of having to manage a problem child.

I don’t deny that my view of this situation is biased. If Chucky could hit, I would be excited. We need more speed at the top of the lineup. But Chucky has consistently created more havoc in the clubhouse and dugout than on the bases.

I hope I’m wrong on this one. I’ve been wrong many times before.

 “Coaches like guys who don’t draw extra attention to themselves. Chuck gives them reasons not to vote for him [for All-Star teams]. His whole package tends to offend.” — Andy Van Slyke

We finally had to adjourn the meeting, because I was holding up the whole team. They were in dress whites, awaiting the team picture. If I didn’t get down there soon, it would affect batting practice.

When I walked into my office, Cubby asked if I had my lineup. I hadn’t even thought about it, but the media was insistent, as usual. I understand; I’ve been there. I had to come up with something before I went down for the photo shoot. I knew I could change it if I had to, so I took a quick look at the matchups and jotted down a lineup.

I ended up with Ausmus hitting sixth; a sort of secondary RBI spot. Well, why not? He’s not exactly a power hitter, but at least he’s hitting over .300. Most of our power guys are hitting considerably less.

           

The photo shoot went well. Then batting practice. The coaches wanted to know what the meeting was about, and I was vague. “He’s just impatient that we start winning,” I said. “He can’t wait to see Chucky.”

“I thought you guys were joking about him,” Cubby said. 

“The joke is on us,” I said.

I noticed they weren’t laughing — just rolling their eyes up toward the Dome — or heaven. I’m not sure which.

I called for a team meeting after batting practice. This would be my first pep talk. It went something like this:

           

Look, I know you guys want to win as bad as I do, and I think we are giving a good effort. Sure, there have been a few times when I think we could have hustled more. And we have messed up a few fundamental plays. We all know that these things are inevitable. We try to keep them to a minimum, and I think we have.

It has been suggested that we come out early and work on fundamentals before batting practice. I do not think this is necessary, but if it becomes necessary, I will do it. 

I’m an easygoing guy most of the time, and I hope you guys don’t feel any pressure. But I can assure you that I do not tolerate losing well. I have been on losing teams that were short on talent; that’s one thing. This is another.

I’m not saying this is the greatest team ever assembled, just that it’s a good-enough team to have a winning record. And we should be able to stay in contention and have a good chance to win our division. Does anybody disagree?”

No hands were raised.

“Throughout my career, I have heard the words relax and concentrate. I imagine you guys have heard these words too. Relaxing is about being poised — ready to act, but with a loose body, not a tense one. Concentrating is about focus. Just because we are relaxed, that doesn’t mean we are lazy. We have to be aware of game situations and be prepared for any eventuality. This takes concentration, and oftentimes makes it hard to relax.

But let me put it this way: Losing is a big part of the game. There is failure at every turn. We all know this. Baseball is more about failing than succeeding. Sometimes the fear of failure prevents success. This is where we are right now. We know we are better than this. But stuff just keeps happening and we begin to doubt — we get worried — and our worry creates tension, which makes it hard to relax, which makes it hard to concentrate.

This is all about losing. But you know what I say?

I say, fuck losing!

We know we’re going to fail a lot. But we can still succeed in the end. The secret is to look failure in the eye and laugh at it. Bust through it. Pay it no regard. Go for the win in every case. And then if you lose, so be it. Go for the win tomorrow.

This was my philosophy when I pitched. I wanted the decision, win or lose. I didn’t want to pitch six innings and get the hell out while my ERA was still intact and I wasn’t on the hook for the loss. But I have seen pitchers with that attitude. And I’ll tell you, none of them were worth a damn. If you want to win, you cannot be afraid to lose.

So let’s look at it this way: What do we have to lose?

We’re all in the major leagues, making a lot of money, with nice houses and new cars. If I have a bad year, I can go back to the booth. If you have a bad year, you don’t get a raise. So what? You’re already making way more money than you could make outside of baseball. And if you enjoy the competition — if you get a thrill when you do succeed — then you are light-years ahead of the guy who just goes off to work every day and nobody ever tells him he’s doing a good job, much less cheers for him.

Think about it: Even if you get sent to the minor leagues, you’re still making good money and playing baseball. And you still have five months of the year off. So what is there to worry about? Bottom line: nothing. There is nothing to worry about in the big picture — only little failures along the way. Failures that everyone has to deal with.

You know what I see when I look down the bench? I see grim faces. I see guys who look tense. Look like they are not having fun. This is not what I want to see. I know it’s not like a picnic in the park, but it is still a game. I would really like to see a little more life, a little more joking around, and a lot less tension. If you feel pressure from me, tell me, because that is the last thing we need.

Does anybody have anything to say?

I looked at the coaches. Nothing. Then I turned back to the team. Ausmus had his hand raised. I was hoping for support. What I got was better.

“Yeah, Brad,” I said.

“I have a new car,” he said.

“What?”

“I have a new car,” he said again.

Some of the guys started to laugh.

“See what I mean, guys?” I said. “This guy hit .230 last year and he has a new car. How bad could it be?”

The room exploded in laughter. It was the perfect conclusion to the meeting. 

           

I headed for the dugout about 10 minutes prior to the game, as usual. There were several players chuckling near the clubhouse door.

“Check this out, Dierk,” one of them said.

Hanging from the ceiling, near the door, in plain view, was a stuffed monkey with Gonzo’s gigantic fake dick strapped around the waist. The monkey was holding a sign that read Touch me for luck.

I gave the dick a merry honk, and I felt a lot better. The game made me feel better still.

 

I didn’t have much hope for Donne Wall’s pinpoint control. And I didn’t feel good about him beating the Dodgers and Hideo Nomo without it. To my surprise, he was sharp. He worked seven innings of shutout baseball, striking out nine.

Still, we were without the services of Springer and Wagner; both had tender arms from overuse. But José Lima came through like a champ. He shut out the Dodgers the last two innings, and recorded his first National League save.

 
Pitching IP H R ER BB SO HR ERA
Donne Wall, W (2-2) 7 5 0 0 3 9 0 5.57
Jose Lima, S (1) 2 1 0 0 0 0 0 3.13
Team Totals 9 6 0 0 3 9 0 0.00

Our two runs scored in the seventh inning. We had runners at first and second with nobody out. Ausmus, our new RBI man, was the batter. I put on the bunt, and he fouled the pitch. The way they defended it left the whole left side of the infield open. I took off the bunt and put on the bunt option. This way, he could decide what to do.

He tried to bunt again, but he took the pitch low for a ball. With the count 1-1, he thumbed his nose at defeat and blasted the ball off the top of the centerfield wall.

 

It was a happy clubhouse after the game, but I was a little tense. I knew Gerry was coming down, and that we would have to call in Hudek and send him down. I thought he would throw a fit, but instead, he was introspective.

“I just have to stop walking people.” he said. “That’s not me. I don’t walk people. Take away the walks and I’m doing fine.”

This was a big relief.

“Take tomorrow off,” Gerry said. “Come in for treatment or to throw if you want. Get with Barry about meeting the team in Indianapolis. Matt will have made all the arrangements for you, and Vern will give him instructions as to how to use you. I assume it will be to close games. That’s what we need from you, and we want you back as soon as possible.”

In a way, I think this relieved some pressure on John. He had made such a big scene about closing earlier. Probably felt a little sheepish about it now. This way he could right himself, out of the public eye, and come back for a fresh start.

Seeing how he reacted made me realize that Gerry and Vern were right: John wouldn’t quit.  He wouldn’t mope.  He knew what he had to do to get back, and he was determined to do it.

RMJ 107 June 1

SUNDAY, JUNE 1 ● Houston, vs San Diego

Drayton has been in attendance this weekend. We sure picked a good time to stink up the place. Seventy-five-thousand people saw us go to the slaughter. I guess that’s the last we’ll see of most of them. Drayton is the guy who really counts, and he will be back. And he will be quite upset if we don’t start winning.

The game today is critical if we are going to gain momentum on this homestand. I thought we might pick up some steam in San Francisco, and let it out on the Padres at home. But the Padres, who had collapsed in a heap of injuries, are healthy now and are anxious to prove it.

           

Mike Hampton pitched his best game of the year by far, and it still wasn’t enough. In the eighth inning, he had a 3-0 lead and the seventh-place hitter, Carlos Hernandez, coming up. Mike got ahead in the count and threw a fastball up-and-in. Hernandez fisted it into right field for the Padres’ second hit of the game.

Quilvio Veras followed with a double down the left-field line. Before we could get the bullpen ready, Tony Gwynn hit a pinch single to left and it was 3-2.

While Russ Springer was rushing to get ready, Hampton struck out Archi Cianfrocco. I sensed that this was his last gasp. I brought in Springer, who came to the rescue by fanning Wally Joyner. At this point, Steve Finley was the hitter, and I knew Bruce Bochy would not pinch-hit for him.

I brought in Wagner. Four more outs. I was confident he could save the day.

Finley sent a single to left, and Bill and I sank lower in our seats in a collective sigh. Ken Caminiti, last year’s MVP and a switch-hitter, came to the plate. Wagner and Caminiti battled to a full count.

After several foul balls, Cammy hit a chopper down the third-base line. All Bill Spiers had to do was catch it and step on the bag, but fate intervened. The ball hit something in the dirt cutout around third and skidded under Spiers’ glove. One moment it was bouncing, the next it was rolling. There was nothing Billy could have done to make the play. Both runners scored, and the Padres had the lead. They added two runs in the ninth, and that’s how it ended: 6-3.

Afterward, I bristled in front of the reporters for the first time.

“That was a tough way to lose,” one of them said.

“Yes, that’s about as tough as it gets. Nobody did anything wrong. We played a good game and lost on a fateful hop. It’s frustrating. I am especially upset that Mike Hampton didn’t get the win after his fine effort. That really could have built his confidence.

“But it’s frustrating from a team standpoint too. We need to get back in a winning mode, and a loss like this makes it hard to believe that things are going to go your way. I’m sure Spiers is frustrated. Wagner, too. It was just a frustrating game all the way around.” 

At this point, a reporter asked, “how frustrating is it, since you were playing the Padres?”

This is where I went off.

“I think I’ve already answered that question,” I said. “And what’s wrong with the Padres? They have Gwynn, Finley, Caminiti, Joyner. They have good pitching, and they won their division last year, even though they had a stretch where they lost 17 out of 19 games. They’re down in the standings now, but they don’t believe they will stay down. And I don’t, either.

“It’s frustrating to lose, but not because it’s the Padres. It’s just frustrating in general. How do you want me to ‘rate’ frustrating, anyway? On a scale of 10? I mean, how many grades of ‘frustrating’ are there?”

The press has been really good to me this year, and I’m lucky they didn’t try to exploit this situation. They seemed to draw back a little and give me some space. At this point, I needed it.

 

We went over to a friend’s house for dinner and watched Game 1 of the NBA playoffs between the Bulls and the Jazz. It was a great game, and Ryan enjoyed sporting activities with their three boys.

When we got home, around 11 o’clock, I had a message to call Gerry. I was excited at the prospect of good news. He has been trying to make a deal involving Listach, and I was hoping he had pulled it off.

It turned out to be another sort of deal. Gerry wanted to send John Hudek to New Orleans and call up Blas Minor. We had a long conversation about it, and I didn’t go to the wall for John, but I did state my opinion that although he has been hit around some lately, I think he is close to getting straightened out.

We didn’t decide anything; just agreed that I would talk to Vern in the morning and call him later on.

Man, oh man! A three-game losing streak and all hell breaks loose. We are only a game-and-a-half out of first place, but we have not played well for a month. We are reaching Gerry’s flash point faster than mine. I’m sure he is feeling accountable to Drayton. Drayton is big on accountability.

RMJ 106 May 31

SATURDAY, MAY 31 ● Houston, vs San Diego

Gerry and I met with Howard today, prior to batting practice; it went well.

Gerry asked if the real Thomas Howard was going to show up this year. He said it with a smile, so it didn’t seem too intimidating. But he went on to say that we thought we were getting a good all-around player, and that what we see instead is a guy who looks like he’s going through the motions — satisfied to play once in a while and mostly pinch-hit. He emphasized that we really need him now, with Bobby out.

Thomas admitted that he was not playing well and was not focused. He said that his failed marriage was a part of it.

“I’ve never been alone before, without my wife and kids,” he said. “And this is a new team and a new city. The guys on the team are great, and I really want to stay here and do well here, but I’m just not comfortable yet.”

I mentioned the weight thing.

“You know, Tank,” I said. “I remember you as a good outfielder and fast baserunner. And I don’t remember you as big as you are now. I’m not saying that you’re fat, but just than you might gain some speed and flexibility if you lose a little weight. I am saying this as much for you as for me.

“We thought about getting Dave Clark, because of his lefthanded bat. But we went for you instead, because of your all-around game. I don’t know if you noticed how late Dave signed with the Cubs, and how little money he got, for a veteran player.

“It’s so important to maintain your skills. If you play lean and mean, you will get a couple more years out of your body, and a couple million more dollars for your retirement. You are not an old player, and you will play a few more years regardless. But you only have one shot at a career, and I want to see you maximize it — whether you are with us, or with someone else.

As I talked, he nodded his head. When I finished, he said he thought he was putting too much pressure on himself; that he just needed to relax and that it would help him to know when he was going to play.

I will try to let him know ahead of time in the future, but I still don’t believe he is really putting too much pressure on himself; I think he is disgruntled because we signed Gonzalez and played Abreu.

When he signed with us, it looked like he would be used in a platoon role at the very least. He probably thought he would get a chance to start most of the games. When we got Gonzo, he probably realized it would be more of the same.

The life of a fourth outfielder in the big leagues is a good one, but every player would prefer to be a starter. I think, knowingly or unknowingly, Tank accepted his fate and lost his vigor — he let himseIf slip slightly out of shape, and he is paying the price.

I also believe him to be an intelligent guy, and I hope he is smart enough to get the message. He’s going to play a lot, now that Bobby is hurt. If he steps it up a bit, we will be fine, and he will maintain his value.

 

I felt good about the meeting. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it might be. But it may get more difficult again shortly.

Gerry is not the most patient guy in the world. Fact is, he is about as patient as …

Yesterday he met a guy who is even more impatient: Chucky Carr. Gerry signed him to a contract and sent him to New Orleans.

Chucky is perhaps the most-unpopular player since Ty Cobb. He has been with seven teams in his eleven-year career; none would take him back. Chucky is one of the fastest players in the game, so he keeps getting chances to clean up his act — an act that features him as the announcer and star performer in his own solo show in center field and at the plate.  

Carr with Florida

Most players enjoy the spotlight occasionally. Most of them realize, however, that this is a team sport. Chucky hasn’t figured this out yet.

Cubby and Mac were in New York, where the Chucky Tour made a brief stop. Because Gerry was with the Mets then too, they figured he would know better. But Gerry also knows that we aren’t scoring, and one way to win when the offense is weak is to play better defense.  Chucky would instantly improve our defense; he is a terrific centerfielder. His problem is that he has never been able to hit enough to stay in the lineup.

Gerry feels that Chucky has been humbled to the point where he might actually notice that he’s on a team — that he might be able to coexist now, because he doesn’t have much choice.

I would like his speed on my bench. He could come in and steal a base; he could play late-inning defense in the outfield. I would be astonished if he could hit well enough to become an everyday player, though stranger things have happened.

Gerry says it will be ten days to two weeks before we will make a decision.

 

We really had a good crowd tonight: almost 40,000 fans came out to see us try to jump over the Pirates and reclaim first place.

I was ready for the real Shane Reynolds to appear. If the guy I saw pitching tonight is the real Shane, we are in big trouble.

Trey Beamon

He opened his performance with an 82 MPH fastball, and Cianfrocco doubled down the left field line. Trey Beamon, an outfielder who couldn’t even make the Pirates’ lineup last year, singled to left. Then Finley singled. The inning finally ended when Sterling Hitchcock grounded to third.

Shane’s top velocity was 85 MPH. He normally pitches at 88-89 with his fastball. At that velocity, he can be an All-Star; at 85, he can’t pitch in the major leagues.

To his credit, he kept throwing strikes — and some of the hits were weak — but it was still humiliating, to say the least. Shane is supposed to be the ace of our staff, and he just signed a lucrative four-year deal.

In truth, it is more than humiliating: it’s just plain scary.

 

Bagwell hit another home run tonight. He now leads the league with 17 homers and 52 RBI. This is rather remarkable, considering that he hits third in our lineup, and we have had no production whatsoever from our two-hole hitters. Still, it’s small consolation when you use up your whole bullpen in a 12-5 thrashing.

 
Pitching IP H R ER BB SO HR ERA
Shane Reynolds, L (4-5) 1.1 10 8 8 0 1 0 3.86
Ramon Garcia 3.2 3 1 1 1 3 0 4.75
Mike Magnante 2 0 0 0 0 3 0 0.00
Russ Springer 1 1 0 0 0 2 0 2.16
Billy Wagner 1 2 3 2 1 3 0 1.67
Team Totals 9 16 12 11 2 12 0 11.00

Luckily, Ramón Garcia gave us almost four innings of relief work, on a day when he was scheduled to pitch one inning at the most. If he hadn’t come to the rescue, we would have really been in bad shape for tomorrow. 

As it is, Mike Hampton is starting — and at this point, we don’t know what to expect from him.

I’m thinking about hitting Howard second, even though he doesn’t a walk a lot. He has hit near the top of the lineup with other teams, and maybe it will make him comfortable and get him going.

RMJ 105 May 30

FRIDAY, MAY 30 ● Houston, vs San Diego

I sent José Cruz out with the lineup last night, but tonight he lost the magic touch. The Pads ripped Chris Holt for six runs in three-and-two-thirds innings, and San Diego went on to crush us 9-2.

The wheels started falling off in the second, when Bagwell got picked off first. The crash came in the fourth.

Down 2-0 against rookie Will Cunnane, we were still in good shape when we started playing giveaway.

With a runner on first and no outs, Biggio booted a double-play ball. Then Cunnane hit a fly ball down the right-field line. Thomas Howard got to it, but he missed it. That was bad enough, but he made it worse by not chasing it down. He thought it was foul, but that’s no excuse. Cunnane ended up at third, and we were down 4-0. 

Archi Cinafrocco doubled, and Tony Gwynn singled. I brought Ramón Garcia in to replace Holt, and Steve Finley hit a home run that made it 7-0. If we had played good defense, it would still have been 2-0.

Bagwell drove Biggio home with a double in the bottom of the frame, but Cunnane stiffened, and that was it. They scored a couple more runs off Garcia, and we got one of Tim Worrell.

The loss was discouraging, because we were hoping to regain some momentum on the homestand. At least we have Shane Reynolds going tomorrow, and he is due for a good game. I hope he rises to the occasion, because the bullpen is spent.

 

Gerry came down after the game to air his frustration; I couldn’t blame him. He wants a corrective interview with Howard tomorrow, and I agree that the time has come to speak up.

Tank has not been giving us a good effort. I don’t know if he has given up hope of starting a lot of games, or if he is just not as good a player as we thought he would be.

We have already learned that our scouting reports on Pat Listach were faulty. He was supposed to be an offensive catalyst — a guy who could hit for average and steal bases. His defensive ability was the only question.

As it turns out, his defense, though shaky, was good enough if combined with good hitting and baserunning. We may never know about the baserunning, because he hasn’t hit well enough to get on base.

No player could fall as far as he has in one year. The only explanation is that the scouting report was way off.

As for Howard, we have no excuse. We have both seen him play a lot the last few years, and he has played well on offense and defense. We don’t remember him being so big; it’s not as if he’s fat, but he is definitely not as fast a runner as the guy we thought we were getting.

I have some confidence that he will start hitting better. But I fear he will be a liability in the outfield, unless he loses some weight and gains some footspeed.

Gerry wants to start holding early workouts to practice fundamentals, like we do at spring training. I think this is a good idea, but I believe we should start it as a once-a-homestand routine instead of as a punishment for losing.

At any rate, I have a sense that the pressure is building.

 

The loss was especially disappointing in that we had a large crowd watching. Those who may have been casual fans will not be back — and that hits Drayton in the pocketbook, where it really hurts. 

 

RMJ 104 May 29

THURSDAY, MAY 29 ● Houston, vs San Diego

I woke up feeling renewed. The experience of spending 19 of 21 days on the road, and surviving the death of my father, had to take a little time off the end of my slate. But it was good family time; a time we will never forget.

But now it is time to move on, which means back to the ballyard. Which means regroup and get going again. We are clinging to first place by our fingernails. The schedule gives us an opportunity to reach up and get a good grip, but we will have to do the reaching and the gripping; no one is going to do it for us.

 

When I arrived at the ballpark, I had a telephone message from Charles Barkley.

“Sorry to hear about your Dad,” it said. “I read about it in the newspaper. Good luck the rest of the year. We’re going to kick some butt tonight, and I hope you guys do too.”  

What a nice way thing for him to do! We had a small crowd tonight, because of the Rockets’ game with the Jazz. Even Judy wanted to stay home and watch, instead of coming to see us. I don’t mind that; they’re on the precipice of another championship. But the Jazz are one up in the series, with two to go.

 

I talked with Gerry at great length today. He is troubled that we are not doing better, and he seemed to be a little impatient, as if he is leaning toward taking drastic action.

Chuck Carr

He said he was thinking about giving Chucky Carr a tryout.

“Chucky is the most despised player I have ever known,” he said. “But he can play center field, and he has a certain cockiness that might not be bad for our team.”

I reserved comment, mostly because I don’t think he is a very good ballplayer, even though he is lightning-fast.

Cubby came in and Gerry grinned and said, “Chucky is going to be in town tomorrow.”

“Just passing through?” Cubby said.

“No, we’re going to sign him and give him a locker right next to yours,” I said. Cubby rolled his eyes.

We went on to talk about some of our problems: Hampton, Hudek, and the shortstop issue. Gerry was upset over some things Mike said in the paper, and also some scuttlebutt he heard about Hampton and Hudek blaming Vern for their problems. I don’t like these things either, but I don’t take them personally.

I told him about Christy Mathewson’s assertion that a ballplayer must always have an excuse for failure. And I think there is a lot of wisdom in his words:

“You must have an alibi to show why you lost. If you haven’t one, you must fake one. Your self-confidence must be maintained. Always have an alibi, but keep it to yourself. That’s where it belongs.”

I will talk to these guys about this issue. I don’t mind the excuses, but a true professional does not divulge his alibi.

           

Cheo took the lineup card out in San Diego, and we won both games, so I asked him to take it out again tonight. I don’t know if he said anything to plate umpire Terry Tata, but we had the incredible expandoflex strike zone tonight. Terry is usually pretty consistent, but tonight he was all over the place. The hitters seemed to like it — especially our hitters. We won the game 10-6.

It took a little patience to get through the fifth inning, however.

We had a 9-1 lead when Kile went to the mound. But he had just scored from third on a wild pitch; it was a close play, and he had to slide. I think he was a bit winded when he went out there, but he struck out the first batter and then got two weak ground balls, but no outs. One was a hit, one an error.

He continued to pitch well, but he couldn’t put the hitters away. I think part of it was the umpire, but to his credit, Kile did not register any frustration. He gave up hard hits to Tony Gwynn, Steve Finley, and Ken Caminiti. Then Wally Joyner got a broken-bat hit.

But D.K. pitched like a staff leader. He didn’t give up, and by the time he left the mound it was 9-5.

Darryl gave us two more innings, and we finished up with Hudek and Martin. Hudek threw especially well.

 

Stockton hits the 3

When we got back to the locker room, the Rockets were up by two on the Jazz with two minutes left. It was tied at 100 with 26 seconds left. Clyde Drexler beat the 24-second clock with an off-balance, but open, bank shot. He just missed.

Utah called time out and worked an inbounds play that gave John Stockton an open three-pointer at the buzzer. He nailed it, and the Rockets’ season came to an end.

I felt bad for Rudy and the team, and especially bad for Barkley. I scratched out a message for Rob to send to Barkley via their PR guy:

 

Your words of inspiration were right on time. Wish you could have taken the final step. I know how badly you want it, as I have yet to take that final step myself. Hope you can come back for one more try. I love to watch you play.

 

Charles has taken a lot of criticism over the years, because he is outspoken. But he is good for the sport. He plays hard and with great skill all the time, and his honesty — though unpopular at times — is refreshing in an athletic world rife with cliché.

I remember when Charles said something about not being a role model for kids; I think he said that parents should be the role models for their own kids. I agree with him, to a point.

I believe it is important to maintain a good image. But I also think athletes are entitled to a private life. Fans can be intrusive, and I don’t think most of them understand what it is like to be on the other side. 

We need a character like Sir Charles on our team. Guys like that are hard to find.

RMJ 103 May 28

WEDNESDAY, MAY 28 ● Los Angeles

The service was to start at 10:00, and Judy and I were going to pick up Tal Smith at the Holiday Inn at 9:30. At 9:15, Laura Lynn sat on Judy’s glasses and smashed them flat. John offered to bend them back, but he said they might break, so we rushed to an eyeglass store. A lady said the same thing as John; then she bent them and they broke.

We took them to a jewelry store across the street and had them soldered, then we picked up Tal and came back. The glasses were ready, and we arrived at the chapel on time.

There were about fifty people already seated, but four of Dad’s best friends were missing. When they showed up, we started. By then, there were maybe 75 people; it was a full house.

Rick sat on one side of Mom, and I sat on the other. We were constantly holding her hand and patting her leg. The pastor had his say, and then Lily sang Amazing Grace. She did a beautiful job, but somehow a nine-year-old girl is not so evocative as an older person might be with the entreaty to “save a wretch like me.”

“Lily doesn’t look so wretched,” I whispered to Mom.

 After that, Dad’s friends were invited to say a word if they felt the urge. I was proud to note that almost all of his close friends spoke up, and most of them broke up in the process.

The central theme of most of the speakers was his honesty and integrity. Subthemes included his temper — which I choose to call “his passion” — and his sense of humor.

I never thought of my Dad as a humorous man. Sure, he liked to tickle and tease us. He would invent outrageous stories, such as his assertion that my best friend in high school was an operative for the FBI.

“How’s things in the spy business?” he would ask. “Have you captured any new secrets from the Russians?”

One of the ladies who spoke said that when she called, he would say in a whisper, “we’re going to have to stop meeting like this. Marilynn will find out.”

“Most people wouldn’t joke around about something like that, but Chuck and Marilynn had such a solid marriage that he could kid around without offending me or her. He was such a sweet man.”

I spoke on the issue of time:

 

I am proud that all of you have taken the time to share our grief today. Time is very precious. In the end, it is all we have. And when you are faced with something like this, you realize that your time on Earth is very short. It is said that someone is generous when he donates money to charities. Well, Dad gave to all of them. He was the ultimate soft touch. Certainly, it is admirable to give money to the needy. But he had a lot of money, and he never spent it on the luxuries of life. That is one thing; giving time is another. And he gave it in great quantities. This is the mark of true generosity: giving time. As children, we got the best part of it. He attended all our games, coached the teams. He even was the chief of our Indian Guides troop — sitting on the floor, making lanyards.

 

That comment got a good laugh, as did others made earlier about his all-thumbs approach to home maintenance, and his aversion to camping and beach activities.

I pointed to his business associates.

He always brought work home. I know you guys are aware of the extra time he gave to the company. What you might not know is that when he got home, he almost always threw the ball around or shot baskets with us. Then came dinner. Then our homework. Then his homework. Finally to bed, and the same thing all over again. I have heard some of you speak of his golfing and tennis exploits, but he really didn’t play that often. He didn’t have time to indulge himself; he gave most of his time to others. Mom likes to travel. Dad liked to stay home. So what did they do when he took vacation? They traveled, of course. No, Dad didn’t really have any hobbies — only responsibilities. In this life, he gave his time away. It is my hope his reward will be timeless and eternal.

           

I had to proceed slowly, to keep from crying. I did gurgle a little, but I got through it.

 Ashley got up and said a few heartfelt words. She is the most-sensitive of Laura’s daughters, and her halting speech left everyone teary-eyed.

Laura read a passage from the Bible and elucidated it nicely. Then she called for the music: Dan Fogelberg’s The Leader of the Band.

 

The leader of the band is tired

And his eyes are growing old

But his blood runs through my instrument

And his song is in my soul

My life has been a poor attempt

To imitate the man

I’m just a living legacy

To the leader of the band

 

The service concluded, we filed out of the chapel and into our unTossed [?] lives. There had been a lot of quiet weeping, but no wailing. It was the way Dad would have wanted it.

 

We still had a few hours before our flight. Tal came back with us, and we went over to a neighbor’s house for lunch.

Mom got dizzy after drinking half a glass of wine. It’s hard to drink wine when you haven’t been eating. I hope her appetite will return soon.

Her departure gave us all an excuse to go home. She lay on the couch, and we talked about life and baseball.

I said that I was impressed with the relatively small crowd at the service.

“He was such a powerful influence on all who knew him,” I said. “It makes you realize how small you really are in the world. There were only a handful of people there who really knew him,” I said. “What a shame.”

Judy took exception to my observation.

“He may not have had a direct effect on a lot of people, but his influence must have had a ripple effect. What about the people he did business with? Don’t you think his honesty and integrity rubbed off on them a little? He had a lot more impact on the world than you think.”

Though I still felt rather small, I agreed. I read somewhere that a life is important only in the impact it has on other lives.

My Dad was an important guy.

Rick and Chuck

          

Rick took us to the airport. We got stuck in traffic again, and we barely made the flight. Tal had a first-class ticket, and Judy and I had upgrades, but there were no seats for us. We sat in the back, just in front of a crying baby. Tal sat up front with a lapful of Coke, courtesy of a clumsy flight attendant.

It was not an easy week.

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